Denial
by Twitcher
Summary: No matter how much of the impossible Craig sees, he still refuses to believe it. The gnomes and giant rodents may as well just not be there... Tweek's POV nonslash. Enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

_**Author's note: **__My mind gave birth to another plot bunny. I let it free here. _

_**Disclaimer of DOOM: **__I don't own the characters. I do however own my socks… Wait… No, these aren't mine either…_

* * *

The first sleepover with a new friend is always awkward. Their house always seems to become different once the sun sets and it always seems that you see what their family is truly like or just what your friend is really like.

That's why I was nervous the first time I slept over at Craig Tucker's.

I mean, sure, I may be constantly twitching, shriek in the middle of sentences and have paranoia about anything that moves and quite a few things that don't move but this was one kind of nervous that I figured was vaguely normal. Meaning I felt justified in being nervous. Which made me even more unsure because I've never felt that before and… Gah! I'm rambling! I'm sorry; I'll get back to the actual story…

So there I was, standing on the Tucker's doorstep with my Mom standing behind me, carrying my sleeping bag. I had my little bag of clean clothes, toothbrush and plenty of underpants and coffee. I wouldn't have had to have brought so many pairs of underpants if those gnomes didn't keep stealing them…

"Oh Jesus Mom! What if the gnomes follow me here!" I cried as Mom knocked on the door.

"Now Tweek, I've told you, you just keep losing your underwear. Now don't go leaving any here okay?"

Then the door swung open and my newish best friend peered around. "I figured it was you Tweekers, what with the yelling about gnomes."

Then he saw my mother.

"Hi Mrs Tweek's Mom. If you want to talk to my mom she's in the living room."

My mother looked surprised. Craig isn't exactly famed for being the politest of boys. "Well, thank you Craig," and she put the sleeping bag down and went to find Craig's mom.

Of course as soon as her back was turned he promptly flipped her off then picked up my sleeping bag and began dragging it upstairs.

"C'mon Tweek," he said simply and I followed, not wanting to be left alone in the hallway… I mean, what if Craig's family had some poor nephew that they kept under the stairs and he'd gone mad and thought he was a wizard and attacked me!?

Maybe I've been reading too much Harry Potter…

So I trailed along after Craig to his room, checking for any vents. I'm positive that the gnomes get in through out ventilation system… Sneaky bastards…

"Tweek… Why are you looking in our vents?"

I twitched a little. "I-I'm checking for the gnomes! Gah! What if they get in? Oh Jesus!"

Craig gave me a deadpan look. "Tweek. There are no such thing as underpants gnomes."

Then he shoved the door to his room open with a grunt. Craig never tidies his room so opening the door is often a challenge. I'm always worried that there could be some small civilization living in all that mess, created from the chemical collision of whatever soft drink he spilt on his socks.

Today however, the room was pretty tidy. For Craig, which really isn't saying much. At all.

"You don't mind taking the floor do you? If you want you can have the bed. I don't really care," Craig said boredly, throwing the sleeping bag on a pile of cushions on the floor.

I panicked. "Oh Jesus! Don't make me choose! That's way too much pressure man!"

Craig grinned at me. "Then you're on the floor."

And so I was. I lay there, wide-awake, spazzing out because I'd forgotten my sleeping pills when I heard that horrible working song of _them._ The gnomes!

"GAH!"

"Wha? Whasgoinon?" Craig muttered sleepily from the bed.

"The gnomes Craig! They've come."

Craig sat up and blearily rubbed his eyes as the gnomes entered the room. His eyes suddenly focused as they went through my bag and removed sixteen pairs of underwear.

"I don't believe this."

"Don't you see them Craig!" I screeched, cowering in my sleeping bag.

He sighed. "No. I don't. I refuse to. There are no underpants gnomes in my room, stealing your underwear."

As he said this, a gnome climbed up onto his bed and actually began removing the underpants he was wearing.

"Craig! There's a gnome stealing your underwear!"

"No there isn't," he said stubbornly and lay back down as the gnome hopped off his bed with his underwear in its grasp.

I stared in horror. "Craig! That gnome totally stole your underpants!"

"No it didn't."

"If that was Stan who took your underwear you'd kick his ass! Why did you let that gnome take them?"

"Stan isn't stealing my briefs either."

It was then that I first got an inkling of Craig's problem.

The next time I saw this problem was when Craig came to stay at my house. We decided to sleep in the living room because I refused to sleep in my room anymore. Those gnomes just keep coming back!

"Craig, why didn't you even acknowledge the gnomes?" I asked him as we were wriggling into our sleeping bags.

"What gnomes?" He asked obstinately.

"The gnomes that stole the underpants you were wearing! How could you not notice?!"

Craig was silent for a moment. "I must have gotten up and taken them off in the night because it was too hot and I don't remember because I was half asleep."

"You didn't get up all night! I didn't sleep!"

Craig was clearly doing some fast thinking. "You spazzed out on caffeine and were so gone that you forgot."

"But," I managed to say before Craig cut me off.

"Shh. Let's go to sleep. I'm tired."

Muttering and twitching, I settled down after swallowing my sleeping pills. I soon fell into a hazy sleep.

We were both rudely awoken at eight thirty in the morning by a loud rapping on the door.

A scared looking Kyle Broflovski was shaking on the doorstep.

"Craig! Thank God! That giant Guinea Pirate is rampaging through the city! You have to help us!"

Craig just looked at him.

Kyle shuffled a little. "Please?"

Craig turned to me. "Thanks for letting me stay over Tweek. I'm going home now."

Kyle was outraged. "Craig! You have to help! People are dying! …Again!"

"There are no such thing as giant Guinea Pigs. My mom says so."

Kyle gave him an incredulous look. "Craig, your mother survived a giant Guinea Pig attack! She saw them!"

"No she didn't."

"Yes she did!"

"Didn't."

Kyle suddenly yelped. "Oh my God! There it is!" he yelled pointing down the street before running away as fast as possible.

Craig returned to the living room, changed into his jeans and shirt, pulled his hat on and picked up his stuff. I made coffee and watched.

"See you later Tweek."

And with that my best friend walked down the street, right past a giant rampaging Guinea Pig without even batting an eyelid or sparing it a glance.

Now, I may have ADD, Paranoia and a terrible caffeine addiction…

But I have never come across anyone with a worse case of Denial than my best friend Craig Tucker.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Author's Note: **__Well, originally this was just going to be a one off but, a few people alerted and I had another idea anyway, so yeah. Enjoy!_

_**Disclaimer of DOOM: **__Arrange these words into a well-known phrase used on this site. Own Characters Don't I The._

* * *

"Cartman, there's fire coming out your ass again!" Stan yelled in horror, watching as Cartman's chair burnt merrily, the fatass jumping off in horror.

"No there isn't!" Cartman yelled. Then he turned to Craig who hadn't even paid the slightest bit of attention. In fact, he'd been ignoring everyone who'd said the Visitors had come back last night. "Craig, did fire come out my ass?"

Craig gave him a bored look. "No. I didn't see fire come out of your ass."

I stared at him. He was doing it again! So I decided to speak up.

"C-Craig, you weren't even watching!"

Craig rolled his brown eyes impressively. "Duh, I didn't see anything."

Bastard had me there.

It had been a few years since that first sleepover where Craig had first seen the gnomes, even though he denies it to this day. Oh, and the giant Guinea Pig attack? We had to mass all the Peruvian flute bands together to repel them from the town. And what was Craig doing while we were all playing for our lives? Oh he was just sitting in his house, watching T.V and deciding that there must have been a strong hallucinogenic in the town's water system and thanking God that he only drank soda.

Oh, and sticking his head out the window and telling us all to shut up because the volume level on his T.V wasn't high enough to block out the music and screaming.

My friend Craig Tucker can be a bit of a bastard sometimes.

However, since we got into high school he's been a bastard on my behalf. Kids tend to pick on me 'cause I still get all paranoid over stuff and I still twitch a lot…

"Craig! How could you miss it?" Kyle yelled, tugging at his insane red hair. "It's hard enough to see anything in here without his big fat ass blocking your vision! That's like saying you didn't see a billboard go up in flames!"

"I saw nothing. Now shut up before Garrison hears us," Craig muttered.

Mr Garrison had somehow managed to stick to our class. Every year we looked forward to having a teacher that actually taught us stuff but we'd walk in at the beginning of the year and there he'd be, messing around with those dang hand puppets. It was like some higher power kept shoving him at us because he was an important character in some weird M rated cartoon or something.

Oh God! What if we are?! What if one day I wake up and find out my love of coffee has been written away because they want to use my character for something else? Oh Jesus!

Uh… Sorry…

So at lunch there was much whispered theories about the visitors, each one more terrifying than the last.

"I mean, look what they did to Cartman again! Which one of us is next?" Stan said, stabbing his plate of… What was that anyway? Well, he sure stabbed it emphatically.

"You could try shoving a cork up your ass," suggested Clyde from behind his newest Playboy. "They can't probe you if they can't get in."

"Oooh boy, no. Don't shove stuff up your ass man. You sort of implode," Kenny said through his parka, shuddering slightly.

Now how the hell did he know that?

Craig however, carried on stuffing his face with both his and my food and didn't pay any attention.

I wish he wouldn't steal my food… He denies doing that too.

"C-Craig, stop eating my… Potato? Gah! What is it?"

"It's not potato, it's pasta and I'm not eating it," he said through the mouthful of… Food.

"You just took a forkful of it."

"Didn't."

Nngh! Craig, you did it again."

"Did not."

See what I mean? Constantly denying stuff. Always, always, always!

"So Tweek, Craig? You gonna come?"

I looked up to see what Kyle was talking about. "Gah! I wasn't listening! S-sorry!"

Kyle shook his head and grinned a little. "We're gonna go around to Kenny's place tonight and watch for the Visitors. You want to come with?"

"We're going to Kenny's 'cause his parents are alcoholics and don't care if we sit in the front yard all night long," Cartman added in a smug tone, earning his a vehement 'fuck you' from Kenny.

"Nngh! What if they abduct us?" I asked, panicking slightly.

I heard Craig snort beside me.

"They won't, they'll only want Cartman," Stan said reassuringly.

I grinned. "Okay then! We'll come!"

"I won't," Craig muttered.

"What's that Craig? Scared?" Cartman teased. "Ay guys! Craig's a scaredy pussy!"

Craig grumbled to himself and then sighed. "Fine."

As I turned to beam at him I noted my plate was empty.

"Gah! Craig! You ate my lunch!"

"Did not."

"So I'm sitting here, at two AM in the morning, freezing my ass off in this crappy sleeping bag, waiting for some stupid aliens that aren't even going to show up because they don't exist. God, I'm so fucking thrilled."

"Shut up Craig. They'll be here," Token snapped.

"No they won't. Y'know why? Because they don't exist."

"Craig, I'm warning you…" Stan said through gritted teeth."

"Warning me what? To watch out for alien abductors on the way for a pee?"

"Ay! Craig you whiny pussy! Shaddup!"

"Budge over Tweek, I'm cold," Craig said and grabbed more of the massive blanket we'd dragged out and snuggled under it. Of course this then angered Clyde who now had no blanket so he yanked it back. So Craig, being Craig tugged it back. Eventually Stan got pissed and took it off us and wrapped it around himself and Kyle.

"Great, now I think there's ice forming on my…"

"Craig, finish that sentence and you won't have that body part any more," snapped Kyle.

Craig crossed his legs.

We were just getting ready to give up when suddenly this bright, blue light lit up the whole block. Everyone looked skywards and there was this fucking huge alien spaceship hovering above Kenny's house.

"Holy shit dude…" Stan muttered in awe.

"Oh Jesus! Craig we're all going to die!" I shrieked, going completely off the deep end.

Craig was staring up at the spacecraft in total horror and said nothing. So I dropped into a ball on the floor and covered my eyes, watching from between the gaps of my fingers.

So as we were all staring these three gray Visitors just materialize out of nowhere, about a meter or so away from us.

"Uh… Hi Visitors… You might remember us… You kidnapped my brother and shoved something up Cartman's ass a few years ago…" Kyle said timidly.

The Visitors paid him no attention and began moving forwards. As they came closer Butters began crying… Geez even I wasn't that scared. Well, okay, maybe I was but still… At least I wasn't crying.

"Ay! Ay, let go of me! Ay! Respect mah authoritah!" I heard Cartman yell.

I climbed to my feet just in time to see the three Visitors restrain Cartman and they dematerialized away.

Craig blinked a few times as the ship hurtled away.

"Well," Kyle said cheerfully. "Who wants to break it to Cartman's mom?"

Everyone was laughing and joking as we packed up our stuff to head on inside. I slipped beside Craig who was still gazing skyward.

"So, you want to a-admit to seeing the gnomes yet?"

Craig heaved a sigh. "Dude, why didn't you tell me you put rum in your coffee? I mean, if there's alcohol in it, I probably wouldn't have drunk so much of it."

"Oh you have got to be kidding me…" I muttered.

* * *

Cartman was back at school the next day, bragging about his new encounter with the visitors over lunch. We were all tired and Craig had decided he had a hangover.

"It was cool huh Craig?"

Craig fixed him with an icy look across the table. "I think we all drank way too much last night. You guys could have told me you were all drinking."

"Craig there wasn't rum in my coffee!" I screeched. "You didn't even drink any of my coffee anyway!"

"I did. You just didn't see."

Stan glared at him. "Craig will you knock it off man? We're like, fourteen. We don't drink. Much."

Craig rolled his eyes. Then I noticed something.

"Aww Craig! You ate my lunch again!"

"Did not."


	3. Chapter 3

_**Author's Note: **__This is a fun story to write! I'm gonna be sad once it's done… But happy because I think this may be the first multichapter I finish…_

_**Disclaimer: **__I own nothing. Except my dignity… Wait no, I traded that for a soda last week…_

* * *

"Craig."

No reply.

"Gah! Craig!"

My smartass of a best friend still ignored me. He's gotten better and better at ignoring things as he gets older. Last year he ignored the alien abduction that happened right in front of him. He decided he was drunk. Even though he hadn't had any alcohol.

Today was pretty typical. We were all sitting outside on the bleachers around the football pitch after school. It was pretty cold but we were okay. I mean, if you grow up in a town where it snows pretty much all the time you get used to it. Just like I've gotten used to the gnomes… Okay no, that's a lie, I'm still scared stiff of the gnomes.

"Craig Goddammit! Pay Tweek some attention before he deafens us all," Clyde yelled angrily.

Craig ignored him too and just carried on playing his PSP like his life depended on it. It probably did too. Craig sucks at video games. He spent so much time watching Red Racer as a kid that he never got the thumb reflexes that all kids get from a tender age from playing video games. Now he was finally interested, he didn't have the basic skills honed over many years to get remotely near a high score. He was often lucky to beat little Ike Broflovski. Ike's only ten…

It's pretty embarrassing really…

Token solved the problem by kicking Craig square in the small of his back. Quite hard too…

"Ah! Fucking hell! Token!"

"Tweek wants you," Token said simply.

"Who doesn't," Craig had said, waggling his eyebrows.

Clyde made a weird noise that sounded like something in-between a snort and a laugh. Either that or he was coughing up his throat or something…

Oh Jesus! What if that's possible! No! Don't die on me Clyde! I'd miss you crying over TV ads!

"Uh… Tweek…" Token said sounding slightly weirded out

I realized that I had thrown myself at Clyde and probably voiced what was going through my mind…

"I do not cry over TV ads!" Clyde said angrily.

Craig laughed. "Yeah you do! You cried over that animal shelter ad like, five times!"

Clyde glared at Craig. "I just… I had something in my eye."

"Yeah. Girly tears," Craig chuckled.

Token and I watched as Clyde and Craig rolled around on the floor, playfully intent on giving the other a black eye or bruise. It looked like Clyde was going to win, what with him being a fair few pounds heavier than Craig but then the heavens opened up and it began raining like hell.

"Aww man…" Token muttered. "Oi! Dumbasses! Let's go inside! We'll all get sick if we stay out here!"

However Clyde and Craig paid no attention and Craig put Clyde into a headlock.

"Guys! You'll both get pneumonia or something and then I'll have to visit you in hospital and buy you get well gifts and if you die I'll have to go to your funeral and I'll have to buy flowers for your graves and then I'll be broke and I won't be able to buy coffee and OH MY GOD I MIGHT HAVE TO BE SOLD INTO SLAVERY!" I shrieked.

Token gave me an odd look. "Tweek, I really don't think that'll happen…"

We waited for another couple of minutes before Token got pissed and dragged me away back to his house.

I must say I like Token's kitchen. I could spend all day in there. I really could. If the gnomes drove me out of my house I think I would like to move into the cupboard next on the left to the one under the sink. That's the one under the coffee machine. I love Token's coffee machine… It's really big and all shiny. And it makes bloody good lattes.

I want a latte…

Uh, anyway…

"Tweek… Tweek… Could you please stop hugging my coffee machine?"

"But I missed it!"

"Dude… Your hormones go to all the wrong places man…" Token muttered irritably.

Once Token had pried me off the coffee machine we sat around and played video games until I thought my eyes were going to bleed… Ugh… Oh that's gross…

At about nine I went home. It was Friday tomorrow and I had some homework to finish or Mr Garrison would get mad and yell and maybe… Oh Jesus! He might make me repeat the year!

Happy place…

We still have Mr Garrison. He's even balder than ever and Goddammit, if I get him again next year I may just flip my lid and… I dunno; complain to the writers of my life. Or just get Kyle's mom to boycott the show…

Yeah… That could work… Boycott Mr Garrison…

Then I realized that I'd forgotten entirely about Craig and Clyde… Oh Jesus!

I hurled myself downstairs and ripped the phone off the hook, punching in Clyde's number.

I always find it hell waiting for the other person to pick up the phone

Beep beep

Christ! Did I enter in the wrong number?

"Hello?"

"Gah!"

"Oh, heya Tweek. What up?"

"Just making sure you got home okay."

Clyde snorted. "I'm fine."

"You aren't going to get pneumonia are you?"

"No. I went pretty soon after you did. Craig however…"

"What?!"

"I uh, beat him and… As part of a deal he uh… Had to go skinny dipping in Starks Pond…"

I slammed the phone down and then held down the speedial for Craig.

Beep beep

What if he's sick?!

Beep beep

Pick up pick up pick up!

Beep beep

Oh come one! This has to be bad for my blood pressure…

Beep…

"Hello?"

"Nngh! Is this Mrs Tucker?"

"I'll get Craig for you Tweek."

I waited a little longer.

There was a sniffling noise. "Hello?"

"Gah! Craig! You sound terrible…"

He did too. I mean, Craig usually has a pretty nasal voice but this was ridiculous. He also sounded all raspy and he coughed a little.

"You probably can't tell but I'm flipping you off right now."

"Asshole. Anyway, will you be at school tomorrow?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Craig, you're probably sick!"

"No I'm not."

Insert coughing fit here.

"Craig, you're practically coughing up your lungs!"

"I'm not."

"Oh God! Craig, you…"

The bastard hung up on me…

I stayed up all night worrying about him. What if he got some horrible terminal disease? What if he couldn't come to school for months and ended up being held back a year, leaving me with only Clyde and Token who are best friends and I'll be the third wheel and they'll leave me all alone and then I'll go insane, start talking to a hand puppet and end up living as a hermit!

That last part sounded familiar…

Anyway, when I got to school the next day Kyle and that creepy DNA kid Terrance were having another fight.

"Your attempt in third grade failed, you dumbass!"

"Oh yeah? Well just you wait! I'll have a perfect clone and get this… I'll have it done by the end of lunch!"

There was a collective gasp from the spectators of the fight. After lunch? That's insane!

"Hey Tweek."

"GAH!" I screamed, whirling around, expecting to see some horrible sandpaper voiced monster.

It was just Craig.

He looked terrible. All pale with dark shadows under his eyes and a flush on his cheeks.

"Craig, you're sick!"

"I'm not. I'm fine."

"Grrr! Craig, listen to me for once you're…"

He was asleep at his desk.

Lazy bastard.

Then Mr Garrison slouched in, those ratty puppets in hand and threw himself into his seat.

"Alright children, do you know what ecstacy is?"

We all just looked at him.

"Well I went out and got high last night and today I feel shit. So no messing around you little bastards."

We all just stared blankly at him.

Then Cartman voiced what was on everyone's mind.

"Mr Garrison, how the hell are you not dead? I'm seriouslah man, doing ecstacy at your age an' all."

"In all honesty Eric, I don't know. It's like I'm… I'm a important secondary character in some weird cartoon about little foul mouthed elementary schoolers… Except you're all in high school now. So don't ask stupid questions you retard!"

It was in this interval that Craig got up and threw a sodden tissue in the bin. Now, that's not unusual. I mean, nobody want's a gross wet tissue in their pocket or up their sleeve. It's really gross… And spreads disease and then you get behind in school and never catch up and... I could end up working at... McDonalds! Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Erm… Yes…

So anyway, he threw out the tissue. On the way out of the classroom I saw Terrance reach into the bin and pull out Craig's tissue. Oh God! That would be covered in his DNA! Terrance was going to clone Craig!

I don't think I could handle two Craigs… I'd starve to death or explode or something…

"Craig! Craig!"

"Yeah? What? And quiet down asshole, I have a splitting headache."

"H-h-how about some g-glue then?" Jimmy remarked as he limped past.

"I think Terrance is trying to clone you!"

"And I'm secretly a pole dancer from Germany."

"Really?!"

He just looked at me. Oh. He was being sarcastic. It's kind of hard to tell what with him being sick and all.

When I told him this he bopped me on the head with his bag. "I'm not sick!"

"Yes you are!"

"Not."

By the time History rolled around I was frazzled. Terrance was nowhere to be seen and Craig was looking worse, if that was even possible.

Lunch was next period…

Then the bell rang.

Craig got up unsteadily and staggered to the door. Everyone else went excitedly to the cafeteria to see if Terrance really had managed to create a carbon copy clone. I really hoped he hadn't.

He had. There was another Craig standing beside him, looking as sick as the real one.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present Craig Mark II!" Terrance exclaimed.

The clone flipped everybody off.

At this point the real Craig collapsed, falling backwards with his eyes rolled to the back of his head.

The clone did the same thing but it melted into a sticky puddle of goop.

Well that was short lived…

"Craig!" I yelped and rushed over along with Token and Clyde to take him to the nurse. The scary one with the fetus on her head. I'm glad I wasn't born with a fetus on my head… What if it talked to me or tried to control my brain and made me kill everyone close to me and get me sent to jail for seven life sentences! Oh my God!

"Tweek! Quit jittering and help!"

"Nngh! Sorry!"

We staggered out carrying Craig between us and through the halls to the freaky Nurse Gollum. Clyde and Token went back to class but I stayed. I wanted to be there to rub it in his face. He couldn't deny being sick now could he? Or the clone! Maybe he'd even confess to seeing the Guinea Pigs and the Visitors!

"Tweek?"

"Gah!"

"Why did you hit me with your bag so hard?! Asshole!" He yelled at me as he sat up.

"What? You hit me!"

"I did not! You hit me so hard I had like, and out of body experience! I swear I saw myself standing next to Terrance and flipping everyone off!"

"Craig! In an out of body experience you come out of your body and see yourself lying there! You don't see yourself somewhere else! That was a clone!"

"It was not!"

"It. Was. Dammit."

He flipped me off.

"Shut up and sleep. You're sick."

"I'm fine!"


End file.
